i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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