I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
