Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
