No awkward lesbian experiences without me
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
