paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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