drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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