I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
