I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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