tell your sister to shave her snatch
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
