@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
