just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
