He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
