I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
