He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
