I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So much rum. So many feels.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
