You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
