Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
