his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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