I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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