My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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