i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
sex in a hospital.. check
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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