so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
