hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
