Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
