just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
