never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
