The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
birth control should be required to get into college
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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