Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
