Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
