why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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