My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
