Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
