Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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