my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
