I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
