Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
