i think i have herpe
just one?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
