so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
