mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
