is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
