He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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