I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
