He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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