so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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