And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
