I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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