BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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