we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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