Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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