Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
