I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
