you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
