I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
