Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize