Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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