When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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