so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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