I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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