I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Bring me that man meat
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
