There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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