Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I could fuck to npr.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
